Florestan: Shit, it’s really dark in here. It’s a good thing I’m really, really righteous and brave! I just hope Leonore is OK.
Fidelionore: Brr, it’s cold as balls down here.
Rocco: Sorry, Pizarro must have forgotten to pay the electricity bill. Anyway, here we are.
Fidelionore: He’s not moving!
Rocco: You think he’s dead? Nah, just asleep. Help me dig. You scared?
Fidelionore: Just cold. Sorry.
Rocco: Start digging, it’ll keep you warm.
Fidelionore: I think he’s waking up!
Rocco: Get out of here, I need to talk to him.
Florestan: I have been imprisoned here for over two years, and surely I must know where I am and what has happened, but the audience wasn’t here, so please pretend I don’t know, and tell me who is keeping me here.
Rocco: Pizarro, and believe me, I like him about as much as you do.
Florestan: Pizarro? Shit. Send word to Sevilla, let my wife know where I am!
Rocco: Sorry, bud, no can do. I brought some wine to dull the pain of digging another man’s grave, want a drop?
Florestan: Why the hell not.
Rocco: Fidelio, bring the wine! Hey, you don’t look too good.
Florestan: Poor kid!
Fidelionore: I don’t feel too good.
Rocco: Look, it sucks that he’s going to die, but I’m only following orders.
Fidelionore: Want some stale bread? I’ve been carrying this around for days instead of grabbing a fresh piece at the breakfast table every morning.
Rocco: I am about to become complicit in an innocent man’s death, but it’s all good because I’m only following orders, plus I gave him some wine.
Florestan: I am sorry that I cannot repay you for bringing me a stale piece of bread and the dregs of your wine after you were done digging my grave.
Rocco: Okiedokie, off to tell Pizarro everything is ready.
Fidelionore: Don’t worry, it’ll all work out. Somehow. Maybe. I hope.
Pizarro: All done?
Rocco: All done.
Pizarro: Send the kid away and untie the prisoner while I gloat over his impending doom and make sure to let him know at whose hand it will come.
Rocco: Just following orders.
Fidelionore throws herself between Pizarro and Florestan
Fidelionore: You’ll have to kill me first!
Fidelionore: I’m his wife, dumbass. Did nobody notice the hips and the tits and the fact that I’m a ducking soprano?
Pizarro: You’re his wife?
Rocco: You’re his wife?
Florestan: You’re my wife?
Pizarro: Wow, you’re really brave.
Rocco: Wow, you’re really brave.
Florestan: Wow, you’re really brave.
Pizarro: Shit, now I have to kill them both.
Fidelionore: Well, sucks to be you.
The alarm sounds.
Fidelionore: You’re saved!
Florestan: I’m saved?
Pizarro: Shit, Fernando!
Rocco: We’re saved!
Jaquino: Hey boss, Secretary Fernando has arrived.
Rocco: Send the guards down to, eh, ensure Pizarro gets safely up the stairs.
Fidelionore & Florestan: We’re saved!
Pizarro: I’m doomed!
Rocco: Remember, I was only following orders!
Fidelionore: You’re saved!
Florestan: We gonna frick!
Prisoners: We’re free!
Fernando: The King has sent me to free you!
Prisoners: Bonus heart-wrenching chorus!
Rocco: Help! Help!
Pizarro: Shut up!
Fernando: What’s all this then?
Rocco: Have mercy on Florestan—
Fernando: Florestan? Isn’t he dead?
Rocco: Only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive.
Fernando: Florestan is slightly alive?
Fidelionore: HE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU DUMBASS!
Rocco: …with his wife Leonore! Dressed as a man!
Marzelline: Oh shit.
Rocco: Pizarro was going to murder him!
Pizarro: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid! Besides, you were helping.
Rocco: For the last time, I was only following orders!
Pizarro is arrested and taken away
Fernando: Here, Leonore, unshackle your husband.
Everybody: WE’RE SO HAPPY!
Florestan: Let this be a lesson to you all, the righteous always prevail in the end!
Fidelionore: Not to mention Tru Wuv.
Everybody: Yeah, yeah, we’re all very impressed.
Fidelionore: We gonna frick!
Thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience.