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Fidelio, Act Two – May Contain Traces of Bolts

Fidelio, Act Two

As promised, here is my adaption of the second act of Beethoven‘s one and only opera Fidelio. Read the first act if you haven’t already.


Scene 1

Florestan: Shit, it’s really dark in here. It’s a good thing I’m really, really righteous and brave! I just hope Leonore is OK.


Scene 2

Fidelionore: Brr, it’s cold as balls down here.

Rocco: Sorry, Pizarro must have forgotten to pay the electricity bill. Anyway, here we are.

Fidelionore: He’s not moving!

Rocco: You think he’s dead? Nah, just asleep. Help me dig. You scared?

Fidelionore: Just cold. Sorry.

Rocco: Start digging, it’ll keep you warm.

They dig.

Fidelionore: I think he’s waking up!

Rocco: Get out of here, I need to talk to him.

Florestan: I have been imprisoned here for over two years, and surely I must know where I am and what has happened, but the audience wasn’t here, so please pretend I don’t know, and tell me who is keeping me here.

Rocco: Pizarro, and believe me, I like him about as much as you do.

Florestan: Pizarro? Shit. Send word to Sevilla, let my wife know where I am!

Rocco: Sorry, bud, no can do. I brought some wine to dull the pain of digging another man’s grave, want a drop?

Florestan: Why the hell not.

Rocco: Fidelio, bring the wine! Hey, you don’t look too good.

Florestan: Poor kid!

Fidelionore: I don’t feel too good.

Rocco: Look, it sucks that he’s going to die, but I’m only following orders.

Fidelionore: Want some stale bread? I’ve been carrying this around for days instead of grabbing a fresh piece at the breakfast table every morning.

Rocco: I am about to become complicit in an innocent man’s death, but it’s all good because I’m only following orders, plus I gave him some wine.

Florestan: I am sorry that I cannot repay you for bringing me a stale piece of bread and the dregs of your wine after you were done digging my grave.

Rocco: Okiedokie, off to tell Pizarro everything is ready.

Fidelionore: Don’t worry, it’ll all work out. Somehow. Maybe. I hope.


Scene 3

Pizarro: All done?

Rocco: All done.

Pizarro: Send the kid away and untie the prisoner while I gloat over his impending doom and make sure to let him know at whose hand it will come.

Florestan: Murderer!

Fidelionore: Murderer!

Rocco: Just following orders.

Fidelionore throws herself between Pizarro and Florestan

Fidelionore: You’ll have to kill me first!

Pizarro: Wut?

Fidelionore: I’m his wife, dumbass. Did nobody notice the hips and the tits and the fact that I’m a ducking soprano?

Pizarro: You’re his wife?

Rocco: You’re his wife?

Florestan: You’re my wife?

Pizarro: Wow, you’re really brave.

Rocco: Wow, you’re really brave.

Florestan: Wow, you’re really brave.

Pizarro: Shit, now I have to kill them both.

Fidelionore: Well, sucks to be you.

The alarm sounds.

Fidelionore: You’re saved!

Florestan: I’m saved?

Pizarro: Shit, Fernando!

Rocco: We’re saved!


Scene 4

Jaquino: Hey boss, Secretary Fernando has arrived.

Rocco: Send the guards down to, eh, ensure Pizarro gets safely up the stairs.

Fidelionore & Florestan: We’re saved!

Pizarro: I’m doomed!

Rocco: Remember, I was only following orders!


Scene 5

Fidelionore: You’re saved!

Florestan: We gonna frick!


Scene 6

Prisoners: We’re free!

Fernando: The King has sent me to free you!

Prisoners: Bonus heart-wrenching chorus!


Scene 7

Rocco: Help! Help!

Pizarro: Shut up!

Fernando: What’s all this then?

Rocco: Have mercy on Florestan—

Fernando: Florestan? Isn’t he dead?

Rocco: Only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive.

Fernando: Florestan is slightly alive?

Fidelionore: HE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU DUMBASS!

Rocco: …with his wife Leonore! Dressed as a man!

Marzelline: Oh shit.

Rocco: Pizarro was going to murder him!

Pizarro: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid! Besides, you were helping.

Rocco: For the last time, I was only following orders!

Pizarro is arrested and taken away

Fernando: Here, Leonore, unshackle your husband.

Everybody: WE’RE SO HAPPY!

Florestan: Let this be a lesson to you all, the righteous always prevail in the end!

Fidelionore: Not to mention Tru Wuv.

Everybody: Yeah, yeah, we’re all very impressed.

Fidelionore: We gonna frick!


TEH END

Thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience.

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