Fidelio, Act Two

As promised, here is my adaption of the second act of Beethoven‘s one and only opera Fidelio. Read the first act if you haven’t already.


Scene 1

Florestan: Shit, it’s really dark in here. It’s a good thing I’m really, really righteous and brave! I just hope Leonore is OK.


Scene 2

Fidelionore: Brr, it’s cold as balls down here.

Rocco: Sorry, Pizarro must have forgotten to pay the electricity bill. Anyway, here we are.

Fidelionore: He’s not moving!

Rocco: You think he’s dead? Nah, just asleep. Help me dig. You scared?

Fidelionore: Just cold. Sorry.

Rocco: Start digging, it’ll keep you warm.

They dig.

Fidelionore: I think he’s waking up!

Rocco: Get out of here, I need to talk to him.

Florestan: I have been imprisoned here for over two years, and surely I must know where I am and what has happened, but the audience wasn’t here, so please pretend I don’t know, and tell me who is keeping me here.

Rocco: Pizarro, and believe me, I like him about as much as you do.

Florestan: Pizarro? Shit. Send word to Sevilla, let my wife know where I am!

Rocco: Sorry, bud, no can do. I brought some wine to dull the pain of digging another man’s grave, want a drop?

Florestan: Why the hell not.

Rocco: Fidelio, bring the wine! Hey, you don’t look too good.

Florestan: Poor kid!

Fidelionore: I don’t feel too good.

Rocco: Look, it sucks that he’s going to die, but I’m only following orders.

Fidelionore: Want some stale bread? I’ve been carrying this around for days instead of grabbing a fresh piece at the breakfast table every morning.

Rocco: I am about to become complicit in an innocent man’s death, but it’s all good because I’m only following orders, plus I gave him some wine.

Florestan: I am sorry that I cannot repay you for bringing me a stale piece of bread and the dregs of your wine after you were done digging my grave.

Rocco: Okiedokie, off to tell Pizarro everything is ready.

Fidelionore: Don’t worry, it’ll all work out. Somehow. Maybe. I hope.


Scene 3

Pizarro: All done?

Rocco: All done.

Pizarro: Send the kid away and untie the prisoner while I gloat over his impending doom and make sure to let him know at whose hand it will come.

Florestan: Murderer!

Fidelionore: Murderer!

Rocco: Just following orders.

Fidelionore throws herself between Pizarro and Florestan

Fidelionore: You’ll have to kill me first!

Pizarro: Wut?

Fidelionore: I’m his wife, dumbass. Did nobody notice the hips and the tits and the fact that I’m a ducking soprano?

Pizarro: You’re his wife?

Rocco: You’re his wife?

Florestan: You’re my wife?

Pizarro: Wow, you’re really brave.

Rocco: Wow, you’re really brave.

Florestan: Wow, you’re really brave.

Pizarro: Shit, now I have to kill them both.

Fidelionore: Well, sucks to be you.

The alarm sounds.

Fidelionore: You’re saved!

Florestan: I’m saved?

Pizarro: Shit, Fernando!

Rocco: We’re saved!


Scene 4

Jaquino: Hey boss, Secretary Fernando has arrived.

Rocco: Send the guards down to, eh, ensure Pizarro gets safely up the stairs.

Fidelionore & Florestan: We’re saved!

Pizarro: I’m doomed!

Rocco: Remember, I was only following orders!


Scene 5

Fidelionore: You’re saved!

Florestan: We gonna frick!


Scene 6

Prisoners: We’re free!

Fernando: The King has sent me to free you!

Prisoners: Bonus heart-wrenching chorus!


Scene 7

Rocco: Help! Help!

Pizarro: Shut up!

Fernando: What’s all this then?

Rocco: Have mercy on Florestan—

Fernando: Florestan? Isn’t he dead?

Rocco: Only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive.

Fernando: Florestan is slightly alive?

Fidelionore: HE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU DUMBASS!

Rocco: …with his wife Leonore! Dressed as a man!

Marzelline: Oh shit.

Rocco: Pizarro was going to murder him!

Pizarro: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid! Besides, you were helping.

Rocco: For the last time, I was only following orders!

Pizarro is arrested and taken away

Fernando: Here, Leonore, unshackle your husband.

Everybody: WE’RE SO HAPPY!

Florestan: Let this be a lesson to you all, the righteous always prevail in the end!

Fidelionore: Not to mention Tru Wuv.

Everybody: Yeah, yeah, we’re all very impressed.

Fidelionore: We gonna frick!


TEH END

Thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience.

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