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Fidelio, Act Two

As promised, here is my adaption of the second act of Beethoven‘s one and only opera Fidelio. Read the first act if you haven’t already.


Scene 1

Florestan: Shit, it’s really dark in here. It’s a good thing I’m really, really righteous and brave! I just hope Leonore is OK.


Scene 2

Fidelionore: Brr, it’s cold as balls down here.

Rocco: Sorry, Pizarro must have forgotten to pay the electricity bill. Anyway, here we are.

Fidelionore: He’s not moving!

Rocco: You think he’s dead? Nah, just asleep. Help me dig. You scared?

Fidelionore: Just cold. Sorry.

Rocco: Start digging, it’ll keep you warm.

They dig.

Fidelionore: I think he’s waking up!

Rocco: Get out of here, I need to talk to him.

Florestan: I have been imprisoned here for over two years, and surely I must know where I am and what has happened, but the audience wasn’t here, so please pretend I don’t know, and tell me who is keeping me here.

Rocco: Pizarro, and believe me, I like him about as much as you do.

Florestan: Pizarro? Shit. Send word to Sevilla, let my wife know where I am!

Rocco: Sorry, bud, no can do. I brought some wine to dull the pain of digging another man’s grave, want a drop?

Florestan: Why the hell not.

Rocco: Fidelio, bring the wine! Hey, you don’t look too good.

Florestan: Poor kid!

Fidelionore: I don’t feel too good.

Rocco: Look, it sucks that he’s going to die, but I’m only following orders.

Fidelionore: Want some stale bread? I’ve been carrying this around for days instead of grabbing a fresh piece at the breakfast table every morning.

Rocco: I am about to become complicit in an innocent man’s death, but it’s all good because I’m only following orders, plus I gave him some wine.

Florestan: I am sorry that I cannot repay you for bringing me a stale piece of bread and the dregs of your wine after you were done digging my grave.

Rocco: Okiedokie, off to tell Pizarro everything is ready.

Fidelionore: Don’t worry, it’ll all work out. Somehow. Maybe. I hope.


Scene 3

Pizarro: All done?

Rocco: All done.

Pizarro: Send the kid away and untie the prisoner while I gloat over his impending doom and make sure to let him know at whose hand it will come.

Florestan: Murderer!

Fidelionore: Murderer!

Rocco: Just following orders.

Fidelionore throws herself between Pizarro and Florestan

Fidelionore: You’ll have to kill me first!

Pizarro: Wut?

Fidelionore: I’m his wife, dumbass. Did nobody notice the hips and the tits and the fact that I’m a ducking soprano?

Pizarro: You’re his wife?

Rocco: You’re his wife?

Florestan: You’re my wife?

Pizarro: Wow, you’re really brave.

Rocco: Wow, you’re really brave.

Florestan: Wow, you’re really brave.

Pizarro: Shit, now I have to kill them both.

Fidelionore: Well, sucks to be you.

The alarm sounds.

Fidelionore: You’re saved!

Florestan: I’m saved?

Pizarro: Shit, Fernando!

Rocco: We’re saved!


Scene 4

Jaquino: Hey boss, Secretary Fernando has arrived.

Rocco: Send the guards down to, eh, ensure Pizarro gets safely up the stairs.

Fidelionore & Florestan: We’re saved!

Pizarro: I’m doomed!

Rocco: Remember, I was only following orders!


Scene 5

Fidelionore: You’re saved!

Florestan: We gonna frick!


Scene 6

Prisoners: We’re free!

Fernando: The King has sent me to free you!

Prisoners: Bonus heart-wrenching chorus!


Scene 7

Rocco: Help! Help!

Pizarro: Shut up!

Fernando: What’s all this then?

Rocco: Have mercy on Florestan—

Fernando: Florestan? Isn’t he dead?

Rocco: Only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive.

Fernando: Florestan is slightly alive?

Fidelionore: HE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU DUMBASS!

Rocco: …with his wife Leonore! Dressed as a man!

Marzelline: Oh shit.

Rocco: Pizarro was going to murder him!

Pizarro: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid! Besides, you were helping.

Rocco: For the last time, I was only following orders!

Pizarro is arrested and taken away

Fernando: Here, Leonore, unshackle your husband.

Everybody: WE’RE SO HAPPY!

Florestan: Let this be a lesson to you all, the righteous always prevail in the end!

Fidelionore: Not to mention Tru Wuv.

Everybody: Yeah, yeah, we’re all very impressed.

Fidelionore: We gonna frick!


TEH END

Thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience.

Fidelio, Act One

I went to see a concert version of Fidelio at the Norwegian National Opera last night. For those of you who aren’t well versed in opera or in the classical or romantic eras of Western music, Fidelio is Beethoven‘s only opera; initially written in 1804 under the title Leonore, oder Der Triumph der ehelichen Liebe, it took ten years and numerous rewrites before it became what we know today as Fidelio. I know Fidelio quite well, having owned a copy of Karajan’s 1970 recording since my teens, but never really paid attention to the lyrics as a whole until I saw it on stage. I was mildly surprised at how progressive and (in places) possibly even scandalous they are, for their time. They deserve wider recognition. So without further ado, I present my abridged and somewhat… improved version of the libretto.


Background

Two years ago, Florestan uncovered evidence of his rival Pizarro’s crimes. Since then, he has been illegally detained by the latter in the prison he governs. Florestan’s wife Leonore has tracked Florestan down and obtained employment at the prison, disguised as a young man named Fidelio (because opera, that’s why). She has gradually gained warden Rocco’s trust. Prison guard Jaquino is infatuated with Rocco’s daughter Marzelline, who is infatuated with Fidelio (because opera, that’s why).


Scene 1

Jaquino: Finally got you cornered! I need to talk to you.

Marzelline: Dude, I got work to do.

Jaquino: Come on, give a guy a break!

Marzelline: OK, spit it out. Just don’t expect me to like it.

Jaquino: I’ve decided that you are to be my wife. We can have the wedding in a few weeks.

Marzelline: LOL WUT

someone knocks

Jaquino: PISS OFF I’M TRYING TO PROPOSE HERE

Marzelline: Dude, I don’t even like you. I’m in love with Fidelio.

Jaquino: What can I do to convince you?

knocking intensifies

Marzelline: Good, maybe he’ll let me go now.

Rocco (off-stage): Jaquino, you lazy good-for-nothing, get back to work!

Marzelline: You heard the man, now scram!

Jaquino leaves

Marzelline: Poor guy. I used to like him until I met Fidelio. Now there’s a man in touch with his feminine side!


Scene 2

Marzelline pines for Fidelio


Scene 3

Rocco: Where the f— is Fidelio?

Marzelline: Hell if I know. Oh, wait, there he is!


Scene 4

Fidelionore: Sorry, boss. Dude took forever. Here’s the receipt.

Rocco: Wow, how’d you talk the price down so much?

Fidelionore: I try my best, boss.

Rocco: Good man. Don’t worry, you’ll get what you’re after.

Fidelionore: Say what now?

Rocco: Oh come on, I know you like Marzelline.

Marzelline: OMG OMG OMG FIDELIO LIKES ME OMG!

Fidelionore: Oh shit.

Rocco: I’m so happy for them!

Jaquino: Oh shit.

Rocco: Good, then it’s settled! We can have the wedding as soon as that ass Pizarro leaves for Sevilla.

Marzelline: Squee!

Rocco: One thing though, Fidelio. Promise me you’ll provide for my daughter. Love means nothing if you can’t put food on the table. Gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold!

Fidelionore: Well, I still maintain that true love… but there’s one thing that bothers me. Why don’t you trust me to accompany you down to the lower cells?

Rocco: It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I’m not allowed to let anyone near them.

Fidelionore: But you work your fingers to the bone! Let me help.

Rocco: Well, maybe. But I won’t let you near the oubliette. It’s too gruesome.

Marzelline: Is that where the secret prisoner is kept?

Fidelionore: Has he been there long?

Rocco: Two years. And now Pizarro has ordered me to let him starve in the dark.

Marzelline: Please don’t take Fidelio there, it’ll break his heart!

Fidelionore: Are you calling me a wuss?

Rocco: You need guts to get ahead in life, boy.

Fidelionore: I got plenty. Try me.

Marzelline: Your determination to see a man being starved to death makes me inexplicably proud.

Rocco: Fine! I’ll ask the governor to allow you to assist me. I’m working myself to death as it is.

Marzelline: I am so turned on right now.


Scene 5

Pizarro storms in from who knows where

Pizarro: Man the walls! Let no-one in without my express permission. Rocco, bring me my mail!

Rocco: Here, sir.

Pizarro: Bill—bill—advertising—overdue bill—Sears catalogue—final notice—pre-approved credit card—oh shit, I know that letterhead. “It has come to my attention that you are illegally keeping political prisoners, and I am therefore conducting a surprise inspection. You have a few hours to hide the evidence. XOXO Fernando.” Holy shit, he and Florestan were like besties. Captain! Post guards and sound the alarm the moment you see Secretary Fernando’s limo arrive!

Captain: Sir, yes, sir!

Pizarro: The only thing that can save me now is an act of unsurpassed bravery. And I will finally have my revenge, which I could have had at any time in the two years this man has been my prisoner, but inexplicably postponed! Oh, I can’t wait to see the knife twist in his heart! Rocco!

Rocco: Sir?

Pizarro: Rocco, I want you to prove my bravery, courage and high moral conviction by murdering this man in my place.

Rocco: Let’s not, and say we did.

Pizarro: Wuss. Never mind, I’ll do it myself. Go dig his grave while I put on an unconvincing disguise so I can tell myself it wasn’t really me who did it. And God help you if I get blood on my shoes!

Rocco: Oh well. At least he won’t starve any more.


Scene 6

Fidelionore: WHAT THE F— JUST HAPPENED? I have to stop this.


Scene 7

Jaquino: Marzelline! You used to love me, but ever since this Fidelio…

Marzelline: Leave me alone!


Scene 8

Rocco: Let it go, son. She doesn’t want you.

Fidelionore: Rocco, won’t you please let the prisoners out into the sun? Pizarro doesn’t need to know.

Rocco: Oh, why the hell not. Jaquino, Fidelio, open the upper cells!


Scene 9

Prisoners: Watch as we march dramatically out of our cells and sing a heart-wrenching chorus about how bad it is to imprison people for their political opinions! But not too loud, someone might hear us.


Scene 10

Fidelionore: How did it go?

Rocco: He agreed to the wedding and to let you accompany me to the lower cells.

Fidelionore: O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Rocco: What are you going on about? Anyway, we have to go down to the secret prisoner.

Fidelionore: Is he being released?

Rocco: Released? Oh, no, we are to bury him.

Fidelionore: What?! He’s dead?

Rocco: Well, not quite yet…

Fidelionore: YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HIM?

Rocco: No, just dig his grave and wash my hands of his murder.

Fidelionore starts crying

Rocco: Oh, grow up. Let’s go.


Scene 11

Marzelline: Dad! Dad! Pizarro is looking for you, and let me tell you, he is PISSED. The guard captain told him we let the prisoners out. You know how mad he gets…

Rocco: Oh shit. Quick, get everybody back inside.


Scene 12

Pizarro: Rocco! ROCCO! Who the FRACK gave you permission to let the prisoners out?

Rocco: Well, uh, it’s, uh, spring, and also the King’s birthday or something? Also, I only let the regular prisoners out, not the secret one.

Pizarro: Oh, shut up, and go dig that grave.

Prisoners: We’re really sad to have to go back inside.

Marzelline: I’m really sad to see the prisoners go back inside.

Fidelionore: I’m really sad to see the prisoners go back inside.

Jaquino: Oh, screw them.

Pizarro: Off you go, Rocco, and stay there until the deed is done.


End of Act One


I’ll post Act Two as soon as that ass Pizarro leaves for Sevilla.

Update: Act Two

How to solve every problem in the world

  1. Identify a complex problem in country A which is deeply rooted in that country’s demography / economy / culture / political system.
  2. Point out that country B, which has a completely different demography / economy / culture / political system, does not have that problem or has found a simple solution to it.
  3. Declare that the problem is trivial and that country A are idiots for having it in the first place.
  4. Job done, have a beer.

Samples from my Inbox, pt 3

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Time for great nights with your female partner

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Here you will find some photos

Hey, I’ve been looking for those! Thanks for finding that memory card.

The easiest way to gain more health

Look, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I’m already eating relatively healthy and there’s nothing easy about working out regularly, especially with a busted knee. Now get off my case!

Samples from my Inbox, pt 2

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Do you desire an extra fire in your bedroom life?

Oslo is experiencing a cold spell, and Karin has been complaining about being cold at night. We have a new heating system with thermostats in each room, but I haven’t yet programmed them all. In the meantime, we’ve set up a portable electric heater in the bedroom.

She will be impressed by your strength

I’m out of shape, but still pretty good at lifting and carrying and shit like that.

Enjoy your carnal pleasures

Last night’s chili con carne went down pretty well, even though I ran out of cumin.

Can you have satisfaction 3 times a night?

Some days, I like to come home, hack on FreeBSD for a bit, then cook up a storm and watch a couple of episodes of Doctor Who or Jessica Jones after dinner. Other days, I just want to heat up leftovers and crawl into bed with my Kindle.

Proven way to get rid of male problems

I wish it were that easy, but I don’t think there is a silver bullet for toxic masculinity and all its concomitant problems (such as the GamerGate and Red Pill movements and the rest of the so-called Manosphere).

Vape-shop N1 в России

I get it, you vape.